I miss hating people. Now all I have is contempt. Contempt is boring.
Tag Archives: Desperation
There are a lot of people in this world, and yet sadly they are mostly the same. It’s difficult to be different in such a world. It doesn’t matter what you do but rather what makes you do it; you don’t choose your motivations, and if you try to change them something motivates you to do so, and this ambition is not one you picked. There are very few people who are truly unique – they are not extraordinarily smart or pretty, but simply more interesting. They didn’t do anything to become what they are, they did not choose to be so. They were led to it, by things out of their control; and yet, they are different and I am not.
Person A cannot become person B, he can only become a person who wants to be person B, and rarely does this mean actually being that. In my case, it doesn’t.
Don’t get me wrong; it would be nice to be smart or pretty, but that’s just not my main concern.
Oh, and I’m still alive.
No, it’s not a word. Hitting desperationality is what happens when you hit absolute desperation because of mere rationality. Get it? Absolute desperation & mere rationality. Desperationality. It’s not really that clever.
In order to understand what I’m talking about, I recommend watching this video, in which you can clearly see a guy hitting desperationality:
Yeah, that’s hitting desperationality. And yes, I like saying typing this word: Desperationality. It just describes this situation so fucking well.
I’ve hit this crappy situation so many times; but it were different for me. I didn’t make videos about my thoughts, I wrote about them; and the only thing I have found comfort in were writing. Slowly, I developed two (main) kinds of writing – crappy bits of prose (I don’t really think it deserves being referred as ‘prose’), and stories – some worthy, some… less. But the division were never so clear; and sometimes, I wanted to write good stories of these feelings, and it would (almost) always turn up into these crappy bits. The fact that the two things were so close made everything much worse.
I tried again and again to write about this feeling, this desperationality, and it would always turn up to be crap. I slowly stopped believing I could write well and lost what this guy finds in music. I tried saying I’d stop writing like he said he’d stop videoing, but then again I always wanted to get back to writing because it were the only thing worth doing I ever did. I stopped caring what people thought about my crappy writing; but yet again, my only comfort were in writing well. I had absolutely nothing; I were ‘empty’ as this guy describes it.
Eventually, I understood that this division was what I lacked. I stopped writing about my feelings for a while, and it helped. In the end I did get back to it, as you can see, but I want to believe that I do it well now.
As for the actual writing – the writing in which I find comfort, the writing which is everything to me – well, as you see, or as you could see if you looked at the page ‘stories’, I’m trying to work on it too.
Well, that’s hitting desperationality. Try saying it out loud. It’s fun.
Perhaps I’d write about it again; it’s fun too. Especially doing it in English. I thought a lot about it in English, but I have never written my thoughts down. That’s what this blog is about, I guess.